kids in the kitchen

i was soooo tired yesterday.  it really does take that many "o's" to describe how beat down, dog tired i was.  i had worked out hard at the gym, ran errands all afternoon, and was just tired.  i wanted a nap while my 4 year old only wanted mommy to read one more story (i've read to you for an hour already!), watch one more tv show (no, you're done.), have one more thing to eat (you've already emptied the fridge into your belly!), and play one game of "in a pickle" (just plain, no, baby.)  and when this mama's is this tired, her nerves become a little raw.

by the time i had all three kids home, i wanted nothing more than to be by myself.  but in our small home, that just doesn't happen.  i wanted to lock myself up in my bedroom, but i had to cook dinner. i start browning the ground beef when my daughter comes in the kitchen to ask to help.  i told her that it would be best if i just cooked dinner by myself because i want to be alone.  that's when that sweet angel of mercy says, "yes, but you can be in your bedroom by yourself, while i cook dinner."   i didn't hesitate.  i handed her that wooden spoon, told her to be careful and went to lay down.  by myself.

my husband came home, saw how tired i was, and told the kids that he was going to be mom tonight.  (bless him.)  i came out from hiding when i heard them finishing the pasta for dinner.  i didn't want to get up, but i knew i had to get the side salad done.  i go to wash the lettuce and my husband tells me that natalie had already made a fruit salad for dinner.  that bowl of blueberries, grapes, sliced strawberries, and chopped apples absolutely made my night.

and THAT mamas and papas is why we teach our children how to cook.  so that when i'm tired and don't want to cook, they can pull a meal together instead.  teach them how to use a knife, how to handle a hot skillet, how to season foods so that YOU can have a night off!  most people will tell you that kids should cook because it makes them more likely to try new foods, it teaches them self-sufficiency, it helps them to know where their food comes from, and blah, blah, blah.  while all that is well and good, i'm hear to say that the best reason is that they're cooking and you're not.   woo-hoo, can i get a big amen on that one? nothing is better than laying late in the bed on a saturday morning having a quiet conversation with your husband while your kids are whipping up buttermilk pancakes from scratch.  well, there is one thing better....when one of your sweet young'uns brings you a hot cup of coffee that you didn't have to brew.

of course, just to put this in perspective...my kids aren't always eager in the kitchen.  there are many mornings when they can't seem to pour their own bowl of cereal.  (insert exaggerated eye roll here)  they don't cook a whole lot but i'm determined to dump this task on them encourage them to take on the challenge of cooking more often.

and one more note, i spent a lot of time WITH my kids teaching them how to cook BEFORE i trusted them to be around the hot stove and sharp knives without me.  i started them young, depending on their own maturity level and dexterity.   and then slowly gave them control.   i still won't let my daughter use the BIG chef knife, but she knows which in the block she can cut with.   they have to learn somehow and i don't believe in shielding them from all possible danger.  all i'm saying is don't be stupid about when it comes to having your kids in the kitchen.  :)

hmmmm

you know, i thought things would go so much smoother around this house when the littlest one went off to preschool.  and it did for awhile.  he was doing amazing things on his own that i could only accomplish with a fight....like washing his hands after using the potty.  i was really busy during his preschool hours sewing and trying to focus on etsy business.  and i've done a lot...i've done two craft shows and have been preparing for several more before christmas.  but something is amiss.  not sure how to correct it.

"i hate you."

as a mom, i figured i'd hear those words at some point from one of my children.  i'd didn't think it'd be my oldest...he hates conflict and discord.  he's super nice and respectful.  i thought my daughter, whose 8, would probably be the first to utter those words.  but not until at least she hit puberty and those hormones sent her raging.  or when i won't let her wear that skirt or go to that party.

but never, never, did i think my four year old would scream those words to me.  i blame preschool.  ;)  it has to be those other kids, right?  i mean we don't tell each other in this family that we hate them. 

of course, i also never thought my four year old would get so angry that he'd hit the glass door and shatter it.  we don't hit things in this family.  we don't call each other stupid, we don't kick and pull hair, we don't scream "no" in each others faces, we don't fight over everything.  i mean every.single.thing.

yes, i've seen my share of tantrums, but we've hit upon something so much more than that.  the rage that this little thing manages to experience is something like i've never seen before, his desire to be destructive belies his young age. 

oh, how sweet and wonderful and helpful he can be!  my heart melts when i overhear him singing along to a favorite song in the car.  i adore when i pick him up from preschool and he grins big and waves as my car pulls up.  i sing inside when he eagerly helps take things to the table at dinner.  and when he prays over the food, i smile deep inside.  

they always say god gives you at least one to keep you on your knees.  and, boy, did he ever.   the balance act of trying to keep a clean house, run errands, cook dinner, taking care of the kids, sew to help support our family's budget,  and all that usual stuff that happens during the day all while an incredibly angry and volatile volcano is erupting through out the day has made me a tired mama.  my home is not at peace, which means my family is not at peace.  i'm sure this is just a rough patch that we have to get through, but until then i'm tired.

i'm tired and sometimes, i admit, mothering can be "not fun".    the emotional roller coaster i'm put on everyday when he goes from pure rage to sweet and helpful within a short span of time and then we repeat this pattern numerous times during the day, has left me emotional and physically drained.  it makes me count down the days til he goes to kindergarten.  but then i feel awful for ever thinking that.  and i hesitate to even write that, b/c it's one thing to joke about it...it's a-whole-nother thing to actually mean it.

before anyone tries to be helpful and offer suggestions, trust me we've tried it. oh, yeah, i've tried that one, too.  what i need is prayer.  prayer that i can make it through the day and make it through this awful phase we're going through.  because it's intense around here and i need some intense prayer. 

and a chance to just write this down and get it out.

i want to run back....

i just want to run back to that preschool and pick my sweet little boy back up.

i don't want to think of him crying when they took him out of my car.  i don't want to think about him telling me he doesn't want to go to preschool.  or that he will not play with the other kids; that he will just "play lonely" today.  i didn't think i'd feel this way, i mean i'm not a new mom.  this isn't my first day at the rodeo.

but no, it's harder.  it's my last day at the rodeo, my last day to drop someone off for their first day of preschool.

last week, there was a parent orientation for the preschool and it really hit me that this is happening.   that i really am taking my baby to preschool.  when i came home from the orientation, it was time to read my sweet boy a bedtime book.   it had been months since he had asked for this particular book, but when he came running to the couch with it i knew that god was telling me something.  the book was let me hold you longer, by karen kingsbury.

this book makes me cry. every. single. time.  it's all about cherishing the "lasts" your child has, the last time you feed them a bottle, the last day of kindergarten, the last music lesson, the last sports game, all the way to the last day that they live at home (oh heavens, i'm blubbering right now just thinking of this book.   oh, this is an ugly cry, so glad y'all can't see me now.)

it's esp. poignant to me as i read it because my oldest is in his first year of middle school, so i know how quickly time flies.

i thought i was going to write a different post today.  about how i was excited yet nervous to start this new phase in my life.  i've always had a little one at home.  for the past 11.5 years, i've had a "pre" pre-schooler at home.  i've never experienced this type of freedom, of having a child go somewhere a couple of times a week without having another child at home.

i thought i would write about how i'm on the cusp of discovering who i really am.  i was pregnant right after college graduation, i essentially became a mom before i had a chance to experience life on my own.  i was excited to talk about how i could focus on my etsy shop.  how i could focus on starting and completing home projects.   i was thrilled at this new path my life could take where i could foster and develop a new part of my life.  where i wasn't just the mom with a little one underfoot 24/7.  where i could listen to my hopes and dream in the quiet of my mind.  where i could focus on myself for a change, even if it is just 3 hours a day twice a week.  and that's all still true, but i can't think about all that "stuff" right now...

...right now i just want to run back hold him in all backward shirt sweetness.  i don't want yesterday to be my last day with a pre-preschooler. i don't want to start down this path that he's now on, the path that takes him away from me.  i want to pretend that he'll always be right there beside me asking me questions.  always right there wanting to climb in my lap, wanting me to play with him, wanting to read a book.  or just simply being there.


i don't know how i'll ever make it through his first day of kindergarten, let alone ever let a child move out of the house.  

tv

apparently i'm good for about one blog post a month.

i have a billion thoughts running through my head most days with no outlet for them.  my three year old isn't the best conversationalist sometime.  yet, i can't seem to find a few minutes to write them down and get them out of my head.  plus, i get wrapped up into whether or not people are even READING what i have to say.   i like having a blog, but the high school girl in me worries if not enough people read it or don't leave comments.  you know, do they  LIKE me like me or do they only like me?   so i went no-comment to keep those insecurities at bay.  it makes me happier.  i like not having to worry about what other people think. ;)

my kids are back in school, with three weeks under their belt.  and this year, i did something a little radical for us.  i've always been pretty tight with the screen time around here.  it helps with have no cable, just some bunny ears to pick up local channels.  and a bunch of spanish-speaking shows.  and a really weird music video channel.   we do the netflix thing, but there's not a whole lot on there to stream for quality tv shows.  emphasis on the quality.  we didn't cancel the cable just to save money and limit our exposure to commercials.  but also, to cut out all the negative, bad influence type of role models.   i'm talking to you nickelodeon and disney channel.

cutting off cable was really easy.  like ridicously easy, thanks to netflix and the ability to watch tv shows on the internet.  while i still kept the tv watching time to a minimum, i noticed on school days it was still taking up too much of our time.  cutting the cable out was simply not enough to achieve the home environment i wanted.  it still had too much of a pull on my kids.  by the time the kids come home at 4, grab a snack, do homework, watch tv, eat dinner, take a bath, go to bed.  there goes their whole afternoon! there was very little playing involved.   the school gets out late and i refused to ever let them watch tv before school.  and they had gotten so used to watching the tv every day, that it had become part of their routine, like getting dressed or brushing teeth.

this year, i decided to shake things up a bit.  i got the idea from a neighboring family....no tv during the school week!  i know, i know, it's not THAT radical, plenty of families do that, too.  but it was first for us.  and my kids surprised me.  my daughter just said, "okay."  that was it.  my son was a little shocked, but didn't really complain.  honestly, he was watching the least because he spent most afternoons with the aforementioned
"no tv during the school week"  kid playing outside.  i knew he wouldn't miss it. 

we've had three weeks of no tv on school days and there hasn't been one single fuss about the tv.  seriously, not ONE single fuss.  no "just five more minutes" whine over a wii game.  no "can i please watch one more show."  or "he watched more than me."  cue hallelujah chorus.  

side note though, i do let the three year old watch a little tv.  it's not a school day for him and i NEED the break!  and before you ask, no, the tv does not come on at night much either.  i like to watch a little master chef and that's about it.

today.

almost six years ago, i was excited and nervous and a little apprehensive as i sent my first born off to his first day of elementary school.  i hoped he'd make new friends.  i hoped no one would be mean to him.  i worried the teacher might not be nice.  i was excited to see him go on this adventure called school.  i was eager to watch him learn new things.  i was worried he would miss me and be sad.  i hated the thought of him crying during the day and me not being there to hold him.  it was hard to let him go, but i was excited for him all at the same time.  it was such a jumble of emotions.

i didn't cry that first day until i picked him up at carpool.  i looked and saw my little caleb walking out with his
too-big book bag amongst all the kids.  i just couldn't help it.  he looked so little, yet so big at the same time.  the tears just flowed.  i quickly dried them before he got in the car.  i don't think the kids noticed i was teary eyed.  i didn't want him to see me cry and become upset.

which brings me to today.  today is my first born's last day of elementary school.  it's been quite a ride these past 6 years.  he's had ups and downs, like all  kids.  i've watched him make hard decisions, as when we tried homeschooling.  i've watched him struggle with difficult teachers.  i've watched him embrace wonderful teachers.  i've seen my son find himself and stay true to himself.  this last school year has been exceptionally great for him as he's really become more confident in who is he.  and he is a great kid.  i teared up a bit once a few weeks ago when i receive a newsletter from his teacher stating, "it's that time of year.  your baby only has a few more weeks until they are one with elementary school."  because she's right.  he is my baby.  he's my first one.

i didn't cry last night at his 5th grade ceremony.  not when he crossed the stage to receive his certificate.  not even during the slide show containing his sweet pictures from when was little.

oh bless his heart.  he's practically wearing the same outfit.  blue t-shirt, brown cargo shorts.

but this morning in the carpool lane, i had to drop off my baby for his last day of elementary school.  all i could see was the image of him on his first day of elementary school.  i tried to hold it together, and i
did pretty well.  i don't think the kids noticed i was teary eyed when they got out of the car.  i didn't want him to see me cry and become embarrassed.  but when he closed the door and walked away, the tears flowed.    i just couldn't help it.  in my rearview mirror he looked so big, yet so little.

last night at the ceremony.  i promise i was happy, i was just worried about the three year old running away.  i just had to include it because my son looks so handsome!

fears

the other night my sweet girl, natalie, was afraid.  it used to be about giant spiders, or ghosts, or just simply the dark.  but lately, it has been about a very real, and valid, fear.  she's been afraid of dying.  not really about the state of being dead, but about the act of dying.

that night she told me she keeps having this dream that she's an old lady in a hospital and can't breathe at the moment she's dying and it terrifies her.  i explained that most old people die in their sleep and it's really quite peaceful.  then she says " but what about...." and she crumples into tears.  and i know she's thinking of people who are young and die, people who get hurt badly and die.  those aren't always peaceful.  how as a mother am i so supposed to calm her fears?  i can't tell her that only old people die.   yet, i don't want her to be afraid.

when i was young i was often afraid, so i have deep empathy for my baby girl.  my dad, the smart one that he is, told me when i'm afraid that i need to quote bible verses about not being afraid.  he told me that his verse is isaiah 41:13.  for i the lord the god will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, fear not; i will help thee."   the verse i quote and have claimed as my own is psalms 46:10, be still and know that i am god.   but when i was younger my dad helped me to learn a different verse and it's one i quote to natalie a lot.

i took her little hands that night and told her the truth.  i don't know what it's like to die.  i don't understand what it will be like when i die.  but i do know this, that god wanted you, natalie, to be born.  he wanted you here on this earth.  he has a plan and purpose for your life.  he wants you to live your life to the fullest and not be afraid.  i know this because he tells us that he has not given us the spirit of fear.   he doesn't want us to be gripped by fear.  he has not given us the spirit of fear but of power, that those who follow god can know that they can do all things through christ.  he's given us a sound mind, knowing that if we put our trust in him we don't have to worry about tomorrow, he's in control.  he's given us love, because god is love.

when i was telling her this and looking into her eyes, i could tell that was what she needed to hear.  and isn't that what we all need to hear?  that god has a plan and purpose for each one of us.  that we need to simply put our trust in him and not worry about tomorrow.  that god loves us with an unfailing and everlasting love.

we talked some more.  she asked a lot of questions.  i did my best to answer them.  she decided in her child like faith to put all her trust in him.  she decided to trust that the maker of the universe will direct her path.  

motherhood is hard.  i don't like that my daughter can be gripped by fears, but i'm thankful that my dad taught his little girl who was gripped by fears to memorize bible verses so one day she could comfort her own little girl with those same verses.   i don't always have all the answers, and that frustrates me.  but i know the one who does. 

for god hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

2 timothy 1:7

just what i needed

for the past week...month, really...things around here have been stressful.  i'm talking stressful, as in i'm ready to go to work and forget this stay at home mom mess.  yeah, it's been bad.  the kids bicker all day, the fuss and argue with me, my blood boil at all the anger that's in our house which makes everything worse.  plus, we've had household items go bad.  apparently a previous homeowner upgraded lots of items in the 80s and apparently 30 years was the lifetime of everything....garage door opener, stove, heat pump, dishwasher, you get the idea.

so i've had the stress of the home, the stress of the bickering, the stress of children being sick, the stress of me apparently tearing a muscle in my hip causing to limp and wince in pain and make me feel about 90 years old.  to top it all off my face was breaking out like a teenager.  so i looked like i was 13 and felt like i was 90, not cool.

a couple of months ago i had secretly written a note to my little girl in a random notebook in her room.  i wrote down how much i loved her and listed all sorts of qualities that i admire about her.  i figured one day she'll open up that notebook and read how much her mama loves her.  i  had hoped it would happen on a day she really needed to hear it, you know?  i never heard if she had found it.  i had forgotten about it.

then a few days ago, after another difficult day, i went to bed one night and found something.  now normally my kids like to leave plastic snakes for me to find.  but that night, i found this

it says," i love you!  i have the best mom in the world!  she is kind, smart, helpful and pretty & brave.  i love my mom"

of course, i cried.

 once i read the note, i remembered the note i had written her.  she read her note and wrote me one back.   i had hoped she would find the note when she needed it most.  i had know i idea she would find the note when i needed it most.  i thank god for my children.  i thank god that i got the encouragement i needed to hear that night.

i've been a little MIA and i might ramble a bit here...

I didn't mean to go missing.

I realized that I've been away from this blog for over a month.  That kinda surprised me.

I'm not really sure what happened, other than life of course.

I think I've been a little burnt out lately.  Tired of the monotony.  Just been in a funk.  Has that ever happened to you?  (Please tell me it has!)


Being a mom is hard.  Being a wife is hard.   Being a homemaker is hard.  Sometimes I'm not sure which is harder.    Sometimes I wonder if I'm making a difference.  Does any of "this" have eternal value?  My daily tasks seem so insignificant when viewed in light of eternity.

I have a 2 year old who needs me to read a "bears on bears" book.  (that's a Berenstain Bear Book, if you don't speak "ian")

I have a 10 year old who needs me to teach him long division and explain the digestive system.

I have a 6 year old who needs me to tell her, again, that there are no tarantulas under her bed.

I have a pile of laundry that needs washing, dinners to be cooked, bathrooms to be cleaned, floors to be mopped.

I have a husband who comes home and needs me too, but often only gets the leftovers of my day.

I have my own creative impulses that get pushed off and go unfulfilled making me resentful.

Then when the fatigue, the doubts, and stress of it all starts to hit, the Master of Lies comes to me and gives me doubts.  What is all this for?  What is the point of all this?  Why do all this work when in the end it comes to nothing?  Your life isn't making a difference, you might as well not try.  In my weakness, I start to believe those lies.

But, then, the Heavenly Father whispers to my soul,


Your life is making a difference.  By serving these three sweet babes, you're serving Me.  By loving your husband, you're loving Me.    I have a plan for you and right now the plan is to be right where you are.  Serving your family, providing a loving home, nourishing their bellies, as well as their souls...that is my plan for you right now and that is enough.  By serving your family as the keeper of the home, I'm drawing you closer to Me.


You are not defined by your role as a wife.  You are not defined by your role as a mom.  You are not defined by your role as a woman.  Those things do not fulfill you, nor do they complete you. 


I define you as one of Mine.   You are already complete in Me.   

Permission

If you find yourself day after day with the Amazing Velcro Toddler clinging to your legs and two other children who think you are the Entertainment Director that must provide them with fun every day over their track out, and your poor bewildered husband walks in on you trying to unsuccessfully put Elmo pj's on a screaming baby you might run to the bathroom sobbing from sheer exhaustion.  

When all you can tell him when he asks what he can do is "please don't 'need' me right now."  

When the next morning you discover the day is headed in the same direction as the disastrous day before, then it's time to give yourself permission.

Permission as a mom to lay the 2 year old down extra, extra early for his nap.

Permission to let the other two children watch a movie and have an extra, extra long time playing their DS.

Permission to cocoon yourself in your bed in the middle of the day reading the only book that has ever made you laugh out loud and still does no matter how many times you read it.

Because when you close the book a moment (and yes I read the whole book this afternoon, it's a fast read!) before you hear the toddler wake up which is a moment before the children's movie is over, you emerge from your cocoon a much happier mama who is ready to love on these three sweet peas.

one of my favorite pictures of all time