hmmmm

you know, i thought things would go so much smoother around this house when the littlest one went off to preschool.  and it did for awhile.  he was doing amazing things on his own that i could only accomplish with a fight....like washing his hands after using the potty.  i was really busy during his preschool hours sewing and trying to focus on etsy business.  and i've done a lot...i've done two craft shows and have been preparing for several more before christmas.  but something is amiss.  not sure how to correct it.

"i hate you."

as a mom, i figured i'd hear those words at some point from one of my children.  i'd didn't think it'd be my oldest...he hates conflict and discord.  he's super nice and respectful.  i thought my daughter, whose 8, would probably be the first to utter those words.  but not until at least she hit puberty and those hormones sent her raging.  or when i won't let her wear that skirt or go to that party.

but never, never, did i think my four year old would scream those words to me.  i blame preschool.  ;)  it has to be those other kids, right?  i mean we don't tell each other in this family that we hate them. 

of course, i also never thought my four year old would get so angry that he'd hit the glass door and shatter it.  we don't hit things in this family.  we don't call each other stupid, we don't kick and pull hair, we don't scream "no" in each others faces, we don't fight over everything.  i mean every.single.thing.

yes, i've seen my share of tantrums, but we've hit upon something so much more than that.  the rage that this little thing manages to experience is something like i've never seen before, his desire to be destructive belies his young age. 

oh, how sweet and wonderful and helpful he can be!  my heart melts when i overhear him singing along to a favorite song in the car.  i adore when i pick him up from preschool and he grins big and waves as my car pulls up.  i sing inside when he eagerly helps take things to the table at dinner.  and when he prays over the food, i smile deep inside.  

they always say god gives you at least one to keep you on your knees.  and, boy, did he ever.   the balance act of trying to keep a clean house, run errands, cook dinner, taking care of the kids, sew to help support our family's budget,  and all that usual stuff that happens during the day all while an incredibly angry and volatile volcano is erupting through out the day has made me a tired mama.  my home is not at peace, which means my family is not at peace.  i'm sure this is just a rough patch that we have to get through, but until then i'm tired.

i'm tired and sometimes, i admit, mothering can be "not fun".    the emotional roller coaster i'm put on everyday when he goes from pure rage to sweet and helpful within a short span of time and then we repeat this pattern numerous times during the day, has left me emotional and physically drained.  it makes me count down the days til he goes to kindergarten.  but then i feel awful for ever thinking that.  and i hesitate to even write that, b/c it's one thing to joke about it...it's a-whole-nother thing to actually mean it.

before anyone tries to be helpful and offer suggestions, trust me we've tried it. oh, yeah, i've tried that one, too.  what i need is prayer.  prayer that i can make it through the day and make it through this awful phase we're going through.  because it's intense around here and i need some intense prayer. 

and a chance to just write this down and get it out.

fears

the other night my sweet girl, natalie, was afraid.  it used to be about giant spiders, or ghosts, or just simply the dark.  but lately, it has been about a very real, and valid, fear.  she's been afraid of dying.  not really about the state of being dead, but about the act of dying.

that night she told me she keeps having this dream that she's an old lady in a hospital and can't breathe at the moment she's dying and it terrifies her.  i explained that most old people die in their sleep and it's really quite peaceful.  then she says " but what about...." and she crumples into tears.  and i know she's thinking of people who are young and die, people who get hurt badly and die.  those aren't always peaceful.  how as a mother am i so supposed to calm her fears?  i can't tell her that only old people die.   yet, i don't want her to be afraid.

when i was young i was often afraid, so i have deep empathy for my baby girl.  my dad, the smart one that he is, told me when i'm afraid that i need to quote bible verses about not being afraid.  he told me that his verse is isaiah 41:13.  for i the lord the god will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, fear not; i will help thee."   the verse i quote and have claimed as my own is psalms 46:10, be still and know that i am god.   but when i was younger my dad helped me to learn a different verse and it's one i quote to natalie a lot.

i took her little hands that night and told her the truth.  i don't know what it's like to die.  i don't understand what it will be like when i die.  but i do know this, that god wanted you, natalie, to be born.  he wanted you here on this earth.  he has a plan and purpose for your life.  he wants you to live your life to the fullest and not be afraid.  i know this because he tells us that he has not given us the spirit of fear.   he doesn't want us to be gripped by fear.  he has not given us the spirit of fear but of power, that those who follow god can know that they can do all things through christ.  he's given us a sound mind, knowing that if we put our trust in him we don't have to worry about tomorrow, he's in control.  he's given us love, because god is love.

when i was telling her this and looking into her eyes, i could tell that was what she needed to hear.  and isn't that what we all need to hear?  that god has a plan and purpose for each one of us.  that we need to simply put our trust in him and not worry about tomorrow.  that god loves us with an unfailing and everlasting love.

we talked some more.  she asked a lot of questions.  i did my best to answer them.  she decided in her child like faith to put all her trust in him.  she decided to trust that the maker of the universe will direct her path.  

motherhood is hard.  i don't like that my daughter can be gripped by fears, but i'm thankful that my dad taught his little girl who was gripped by fears to memorize bible verses so one day she could comfort her own little girl with those same verses.   i don't always have all the answers, and that frustrates me.  but i know the one who does. 

for god hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

2 timothy 1:7

new year

i don't make new year's resolutions.  i make birthday goals.  which i'm probably not going to complete even half of them.  but i've decided that's okay.  this year instead of resolutions, or goals, i'm going to turn my focus on one word.

grace.

i'm my harshest critic.  i have a lot of negative self talk.  my husband will tell me that i'm such a good mom.  my reaction is to say no i'm not, they deserve someone so much better than me.  he asks me if i know how beautiful i am and i tell him i'm not.  i so often tell myself  i'm not creative enough, i'm not kind enough, i'm not smart enough, i'm not gentle enough, i'm not tough enough.  i'm not a good mom.  i'm a failure for not being able to lose this weight from the baby who is no longer a baby.  my house is never clean enough.... and on and on and on.

but if god in all his glory and wisdom freely gives grace to me, his daughter,  why can't i offer grace to myself?  am i greater than god to think that i'm not worthy?  is god wrong to offer me grace since i know that i'm not worthy?

of course, grace doesn't mean that i can let my house look like it belongs on an episode of hoarders.  grace doesn't mean that i can let my health go and not care about how i look or gain excessive weight.  grace doesn't mean that it's okay to be a bad mom.  grace doesn't give me permission to fail or give me an excuse to not keep trying.

wrapping my thoughts in grace is me telling myself that i simply have room to grow.  it's not that i'm a bad mom, a bad wife, a failure, or incapable.  it's me stopping the negative talk.  it's me accepting the compliments of my husband.  it's me offering each day to god, offering my best, and realizing  that my best is all he asks of me.  it's learning from mistakes, not punishing myself for my mistakes.  just like i don't punish my children for mistakes they make.  instead i teach them how to avoid those mistakes in the future.  just like the heavenly father doesn't turn his back on me when i fail.  he corrects me out of love, not out of hate.

this is my heart's desire for the new year.

to accept grace.

sundae sunday

it’s the eve of the first day of school.  we’re on a year round school schedule so our school year starts in july.  the school year ended a week ago.  tomorrow i’ll have a second grader and a fifth grader.  (gasp!)  i thought it was fitting that we celebrate tonight with some sundaes on a sunday.  we made ice cream, topped them with oreos, sprinkles, and strawberries (well some of us used the strawberries anyway).

it’s a big day tomorrow.  both of the older two will be going to school.  to refresh your memory i’ve been homeschooling my oldest son for the past six months.  he wanted to be home.  he had friends, he made excellent grades, he never got in trouble, he was not picked on or teased.  he simply wanted to be home.  so i agreed to try it.

i researched.  i blog stalked homeschooling families.  it looked so appealing.  i truly believe that god wanted us to homeschool my son.  i don’t doubt it for a moment.

i also don’t doubt for a moment that god is now telling us to send him back to public school.  after a few months of my son  being home, my husband and i noticed that my normally cheerful son was very unhappy.  he didn’t complain, he never said he was sad, he just didn’t smile as often.  he didn’t talk as much.

about a month and half ago he came to me and told me that he really felt god was leading him back to public school.

later when i told, on separate occasions, some friends about this they laughed and smirked over god “leading” him back to school.  as if it was just his ploy to go back to school.  i don’t know why any other believers would find this improbable.  it shouldn’t.  my son is follower of christ.  i know that god speaks to him and though him.  i know that, as a follower of christ, god has a plan for my son.  my son has a purpose.  god’s plan for my son was for him to be homeschooled and now his plan is for my son to go back to school.

this is not a homeschool/public school debate.  they both have their merits and it’s a decision that all parents should actively make.  don’t just assume you’ll do one way or the other.  i think all parents should be informed about their options when it comes to schooling.

let me preface this next paragraph…i believe god gave us a wonderfully complex mind.  he wants us to learn and explore and discover what all we can about science, music, art, math, and literature.  learning is important and i encourage my children and myself to challenge our minds and embrace new learning opportunities.  that being said, our education has no eternal value.  so while i know that i would be able to provide a much richer and stimulating learning environment for my children.  that’s not what is most important in their lives.  

i want them to grow spiritually.  that is where i want the focus to be.

when my son was in school, he was a voice for god.  he would talk about his beliefs.  he would ask if his teachers attended church.   he stood up for his beliefs.  it gave me a chance to teach him the importance of standing up for what we believe in, but not take on a judgmental attitude.   i was able to teach him the importance of sharing god’s love but realizing their decision is between that person and god…to not be discouraged if they don’t accept.

when he was homeschooled, he was not often around children who needed to hear god’s truth, he was not often around adults who would be touched by his kindness. 

so yes, i do believe that god laid it upon my son’s heart to go back to public school.

these past 6 months have not been a failure.  as i told my son, he had the courage to go after his heart’s desire (homeschooling) despite fears, despite the uncertainty,  despite that many people, including some family members, who were not supportive of the decision.  so many adults are too afraid to take that first step.  my son was not afraid.  and i am so proud.  i believe that god will use these experiences to mold my son and to mold me.  

i’d homeschool again in a heartbeat if god calls me to do it.   i’ll miss my oldest as he goes back to school.

a lot.

linking up here

i've been a little MIA and i might ramble a bit here...

I didn't mean to go missing.

I realized that I've been away from this blog for over a month.  That kinda surprised me.

I'm not really sure what happened, other than life of course.

I think I've been a little burnt out lately.  Tired of the monotony.  Just been in a funk.  Has that ever happened to you?  (Please tell me it has!)


Being a mom is hard.  Being a wife is hard.   Being a homemaker is hard.  Sometimes I'm not sure which is harder.    Sometimes I wonder if I'm making a difference.  Does any of "this" have eternal value?  My daily tasks seem so insignificant when viewed in light of eternity.

I have a 2 year old who needs me to read a "bears on bears" book.  (that's a Berenstain Bear Book, if you don't speak "ian")

I have a 10 year old who needs me to teach him long division and explain the digestive system.

I have a 6 year old who needs me to tell her, again, that there are no tarantulas under her bed.

I have a pile of laundry that needs washing, dinners to be cooked, bathrooms to be cleaned, floors to be mopped.

I have a husband who comes home and needs me too, but often only gets the leftovers of my day.

I have my own creative impulses that get pushed off and go unfulfilled making me resentful.

Then when the fatigue, the doubts, and stress of it all starts to hit, the Master of Lies comes to me and gives me doubts.  What is all this for?  What is the point of all this?  Why do all this work when in the end it comes to nothing?  Your life isn't making a difference, you might as well not try.  In my weakness, I start to believe those lies.

But, then, the Heavenly Father whispers to my soul,


Your life is making a difference.  By serving these three sweet babes, you're serving Me.  By loving your husband, you're loving Me.    I have a plan for you and right now the plan is to be right where you are.  Serving your family, providing a loving home, nourishing their bellies, as well as their souls...that is my plan for you right now and that is enough.  By serving your family as the keeper of the home, I'm drawing you closer to Me.


You are not defined by your role as a wife.  You are not defined by your role as a mom.  You are not defined by your role as a woman.  Those things do not fulfill you, nor do they complete you. 


I define you as one of Mine.   You are already complete in Me.