hmmmm

you know, i thought things would go so much smoother around this house when the littlest one went off to preschool.  and it did for awhile.  he was doing amazing things on his own that i could only accomplish with a fight....like washing his hands after using the potty.  i was really busy during his preschool hours sewing and trying to focus on etsy business.  and i've done a lot...i've done two craft shows and have been preparing for several more before christmas.  but something is amiss.  not sure how to correct it.

"i hate you."

as a mom, i figured i'd hear those words at some point from one of my children.  i'd didn't think it'd be my oldest...he hates conflict and discord.  he's super nice and respectful.  i thought my daughter, whose 8, would probably be the first to utter those words.  but not until at least she hit puberty and those hormones sent her raging.  or when i won't let her wear that skirt or go to that party.

but never, never, did i think my four year old would scream those words to me.  i blame preschool.  ;)  it has to be those other kids, right?  i mean we don't tell each other in this family that we hate them. 

of course, i also never thought my four year old would get so angry that he'd hit the glass door and shatter it.  we don't hit things in this family.  we don't call each other stupid, we don't kick and pull hair, we don't scream "no" in each others faces, we don't fight over everything.  i mean every.single.thing.

yes, i've seen my share of tantrums, but we've hit upon something so much more than that.  the rage that this little thing manages to experience is something like i've never seen before, his desire to be destructive belies his young age. 

oh, how sweet and wonderful and helpful he can be!  my heart melts when i overhear him singing along to a favorite song in the car.  i adore when i pick him up from preschool and he grins big and waves as my car pulls up.  i sing inside when he eagerly helps take things to the table at dinner.  and when he prays over the food, i smile deep inside.  

they always say god gives you at least one to keep you on your knees.  and, boy, did he ever.   the balance act of trying to keep a clean house, run errands, cook dinner, taking care of the kids, sew to help support our family's budget,  and all that usual stuff that happens during the day all while an incredibly angry and volatile volcano is erupting through out the day has made me a tired mama.  my home is not at peace, which means my family is not at peace.  i'm sure this is just a rough patch that we have to get through, but until then i'm tired.

i'm tired and sometimes, i admit, mothering can be "not fun".    the emotional roller coaster i'm put on everyday when he goes from pure rage to sweet and helpful within a short span of time and then we repeat this pattern numerous times during the day, has left me emotional and physically drained.  it makes me count down the days til he goes to kindergarten.  but then i feel awful for ever thinking that.  and i hesitate to even write that, b/c it's one thing to joke about it...it's a-whole-nother thing to actually mean it.

before anyone tries to be helpful and offer suggestions, trust me we've tried it. oh, yeah, i've tried that one, too.  what i need is prayer.  prayer that i can make it through the day and make it through this awful phase we're going through.  because it's intense around here and i need some intense prayer. 

and a chance to just write this down and get it out.