i want to run back....

i just want to run back to that preschool and pick my sweet little boy back up.

i don't want to think of him crying when they took him out of my car.  i don't want to think about him telling me he doesn't want to go to preschool.  or that he will not play with the other kids; that he will just "play lonely" today.  i didn't think i'd feel this way, i mean i'm not a new mom.  this isn't my first day at the rodeo.

but no, it's harder.  it's my last day at the rodeo, my last day to drop someone off for their first day of preschool.

last week, there was a parent orientation for the preschool and it really hit me that this is happening.   that i really am taking my baby to preschool.  when i came home from the orientation, it was time to read my sweet boy a bedtime book.   it had been months since he had asked for this particular book, but when he came running to the couch with it i knew that god was telling me something.  the book was let me hold you longer, by karen kingsbury.

this book makes me cry. every. single. time.  it's all about cherishing the "lasts" your child has, the last time you feed them a bottle, the last day of kindergarten, the last music lesson, the last sports game, all the way to the last day that they live at home (oh heavens, i'm blubbering right now just thinking of this book.   oh, this is an ugly cry, so glad y'all can't see me now.)

it's esp. poignant to me as i read it because my oldest is in his first year of middle school, so i know how quickly time flies.

i thought i was going to write a different post today.  about how i was excited yet nervous to start this new phase in my life.  i've always had a little one at home.  for the past 11.5 years, i've had a "pre" pre-schooler at home.  i've never experienced this type of freedom, of having a child go somewhere a couple of times a week without having another child at home.

i thought i would write about how i'm on the cusp of discovering who i really am.  i was pregnant right after college graduation, i essentially became a mom before i had a chance to experience life on my own.  i was excited to talk about how i could focus on my etsy shop.  how i could focus on starting and completing home projects.   i was thrilled at this new path my life could take where i could foster and develop a new part of my life.  where i wasn't just the mom with a little one underfoot 24/7.  where i could listen to my hopes and dream in the quiet of my mind.  where i could focus on myself for a change, even if it is just 3 hours a day twice a week.  and that's all still true, but i can't think about all that "stuff" right now...

...right now i just want to run back hold him in all backward shirt sweetness.  i don't want yesterday to be my last day with a pre-preschooler. i don't want to start down this path that he's now on, the path that takes him away from me.  i want to pretend that he'll always be right there beside me asking me questions.  always right there wanting to climb in my lap, wanting me to play with him, wanting to read a book.  or just simply being there.


i don't know how i'll ever make it through his first day of kindergarten, let alone ever let a child move out of the house.