i don't make new year's resolutions. i make birthday goals. which i'm probably not going to complete even half of them. but i've decided that's okay. this year instead of resolutions, or goals, i'm going to turn my focus on one word.
i'm my harshest critic. i have a lot of negative self talk. my husband will tell me that i'm such a good mom. my reaction is to say no i'm not, they deserve someone so much better than me. he asks me if i know how beautiful i am and i tell him i'm not. i so often tell myself i'm not creative enough, i'm not kind enough, i'm not smart enough, i'm not gentle enough, i'm not tough enough. i'm not a good mom. i'm a failure for not being able to lose this weight from the baby who is no longer a baby. my house is never clean enough.... and on and on and on.
but if god in all his glory and wisdom freely gives grace to me, his daughter, why can't i offer grace to myself? am i greater than god to think that i'm not worthy? is god wrong to offer me grace since i know that i'm not worthy?
of course, grace doesn't mean that i can let my house look like it belongs on an episode of hoarders. grace doesn't mean that i can let my health go and not care about how i look or gain excessive weight. grace doesn't mean that it's okay to be a bad mom. grace doesn't give me permission to fail or give me an excuse to not keep trying.
wrapping my thoughts in grace is me telling myself that i simply have room to grow. it's not that i'm a bad mom, a bad wife, a failure, or incapable. it's me stopping the negative talk. it's me accepting the compliments of my husband. it's me offering each day to god, offering my best, and realizing that my best is all he asks of me. it's learning from mistakes, not punishing myself for my mistakes. just like i don't punish my children for mistakes they make. instead i teach them how to avoid those mistakes in the future. just like the heavenly father doesn't turn his back on me when i fail. he corrects me out of love, not out of hate.
this is my heart's desire for the new year.
to accept grace.